I have been in this unfortunate condition for about 40 years, since I first read it
The very best bits of the book, I think, are the sets of examination questions. These appear at regular intervals, just as in GCSE revision texts for today’s 15 year olds – but the questions aren’t quite as expected. I recall, with delicious pleasure, both the question, “what price glory?” and the admonition in italics, “do not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once”.
But my favourite exam question in 1066 And All That is definitely: “who has what written on whose what?”
If I remember correctly, this question in fact relates to Mary Queen of Scots. For reasons which are now wholly obscure to me, I am fairly sure that she had the word “Calais” written on her heart.
Well, I too have a word written on my heart – or rather, two words. They aren’t quite as romantic as “Calais”. They are the words: “Highways Agency”.
I am really as unclear about why I should have spent so much of my time over the last decade thinking about the Highways Agency as I am about why Mary Queen of Scots was so prone to think of Calais.
I certainly would not have predicted 10 years ago that the Highways Agency would occupy this place in my thoughts and feelings. But there is just something about the Highways Agency that can get at you – and it just won’t go away.
The most recent example of this wonderful body at work is the discussion that is currently taking place about the south west quadrant in Bridport.
What, you might ask, has this got to do with the Highways Agency?
Under any normal circumstances, my answer would be, nothing at all.
But the circumstances aren’t normal, since we are dealing with the Highways Agency.
The Highways Agency is an agency that, as its name implies, concerns itself with highways. But what the name doesn’t reveal is that this means being concerned with highways rather than with people.
The aim of this agency appears to be to ensure that as few people as possible contaminate its roads.
This makes a certain kind of sense, once you enter a highway version of Alice in Wonderland. After all, if you could just keep the people off the highways, you could really guarantee that they would work perfectly. Maintenance would be almost nil. The state of the roads would be perfect. There would be no queues and no accidents.
Yes, my dear readers — for the Highways Agency, the people are the problem.
So the new south west quadrant development in Bridport is deplored so far as this Agency is concerned – because it threatens to increase the number of people using the A35 and, in particular, the roundabout by the garage on the A35 to the east of Bridport.
So the Highways Agency has found a solution – which involves putting enough blocks in the way of the south west quadrant development to make sure that it doesn’t happen. That will keep the people nicely off the road and the roundabout.
Dare I suggest another, more radical solution? This would involve persuading the Agency that, despite the undoubted significance of the road, the people are also of some significance?
I see that this might be regarded in some highways circles as a bit revolutionary. But perhaps it is relevant that the people rather than the roads are the ones that pay the taxes that pay the bills for the Highways Agency?